These past several months have been hard, but also I have learned and grown so much. I often struggle with emotional regulation, every emotion feels BIG, and I am always processing and wanting to learn something through the hard stuff. I guess that’s not bad- it’s just exhausting!
I learned the other day that I most likely have cPTSD. I say that because there have been a lot of traumatic things that have happened in my life… and the symptom list matches my regular struggles. Some of the symptoms I have grown past or I just don’t struggle as often. But some of them might be part of me forever.
Here’s the list:
- difficulty controlling your emotions
- feeling very angry or distrustful towards the world
- constant feelings of emptiness or hopelessness
- feeling as if you are permanently damaged or worthless
- feeling as if you are completely different to other people
- feeling like nobody can understand what happened to you
- avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult
- often experiencing dissociative symptoms such as depersonalisation or derealisation
- physical symptoms, such as headaches, dizziness, chest pains and stomach aches (for me it’s a cough and struggles with my breathing)
- regular suicidal feelings (not happening, really, anymore)
For the most part, a lot of these aren’t as much of an issue anymore thanks to the Ketamine IV treatments. I’m so incredibly grateful for the ability to have access to this treatment.
I have to learn to just embrace the person that I have turned into because of the experiences that I have had. Experiences make us who we are. We don’t need to find our identity in them per se, but we can use them for God’s glory and to help others through the hard stuff. I have seen God use the hard stuff in my life so many times, and I’m grateful it wasn’t for nothing.
Life is hard. It just is. For everyone. Maybe not all at once, not all in the same way, etc, but we are all just trying to do the best we can in a broken world.
I am going to start EMDR on Tuesday. I will be doing this virtually with my counselor that I have been seeing in-person because I just can’t afford to drive to town every week for the treatments. I’m excited and nervous to finally get started on this! I think it may help me work through the stuff that I’m still carrying with me and help me to create healthier boundaries.
I’ve read these passages so much and mostly have them memorized. But today, I absorbed them in a whole different way.
Gratitude
The “with thanksgiving” part of the scripture is important. Yes, we have struggles. Yes, we have needs that we aren’t sure how they will be met. Most of us have some sort of trauma (whether we are aware of it or not). Most of us go through mental health struggles at some point. Things don’t always go how we want them to. We don’t always understand why things happen. But there is SO much to be grateful for. Always. I thought I’d share some of those things in my life! I encourage you to make a gratitude list and see how it improves your mood!
What am I thankful for today?
- An almost 20 year old marriage to the most kind, loving, caring, supportive, and understanding man (who also happens to be hot!).
- 3 teenagers who are just amazing people and have grown so much lately. It is cool to see God’s hand in their lives. I can’t wait to see who they become as adults!
- One of my kiddos who has struggled with many things for a very long time has had SO much growth since we went back to homeschooling. He even got baptized on Sunday! The growth that has taken place is ALL because of Jesus.
- Our needs are always met. Even when it feels like we won’t make it (I mean, a LOT of people are struggling right now). We have everything that we need. A roof over our heads, food, electricity, water, health care, and most of all, the ability to have a relationship with our Creator.
- The fact that Robert is even more on board with homeschooling than me is nothing short of a miracle. This has been an on-going back-and-forth issue over the years. I have wanted to homeschool, but he has wanted me to teach in a public school and for the kids to go to school. He has seen (after trying over and over) that it just doesn’t work. For me or the boys. He will now go to any lengths to make sure this continues. He is all in. Our boys’ mental and emotional health are our #1 priority! Well, Karis’s as well! But she’s doing great in school, and she will graduate this year.
- Robert also really encourages me to do things that I enjoy! Homesteading, being outside, making all-the-things homemade, and on and on… He sees the joy and peace that it brings me, and he encourages it!
- Despite some pretty common struggles this fall, my mental health has definitely improved this year over previous years. I’m incredibly grateful that God has provided some resources to me for this to happen. I’m a believer in God’s healing and that He can use science to make this happen as well! He is the creator of all things.
- My relationship with Jesus is in a place that I’ve wanted it to be for years but didn’t know how to get there. He met me where I was.
I could go on and on, but I have a lot to do today!
Today I plan to: organize my home management binder, meal plan (we have no meals in the dining hall next week- thankfully all we had to buy was some produce!), organize my school papers and do a quick lesson plan for the week, make deodorant, make candles, and get started on my pumpkin sourdough loaf! Days like these make me soooo happy!
Have a great Saturday!
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