I have started writing this post so many times, and I’ve had to start over multiple times.
There are so many things going on in my life at the moment, and some of the most important things can’t be shared… so it’s hard to know where to start.
First, I want to bring up what I was worried would happen…
The depression that I always deal with in the fall is starting to build up.
It started the week that Robert was out of town. I just really struggled to function that week. There were many things going on at the same time as him being out of town, but I decided that I needed to be proactive to try to prevent the deep depression.
I had a Ketamine IV treatment on Tuesday. It was a really good treatment. Probably the best I’ve ever had. The doctor and I talked about how I should have one every 3-4 weeks through the fall/winter. They are just SO expensive, and we don’t really have the money. We decided to try our HRA card (money for mental health, prescriptions, etc from Robert’s employer which is SO helpful) to see if it would work, and it did. At this point, it went through and has been submitted. I guess we are good to go there!
These treatments were life-changing for me last year! I had many treatments, and it took a lot longer than I was hoping, but I had an amazing April through mid-September! It’s common and normal to need “booster treatments,” especially with my history of trauma.
I always struggle a lot in the late fall/winter for many reasons… the main ones being that my brother died by suicide on November 30th, 2009, but also because I just think I have seasonal depression.
I’m not struggling as much as I normally am, even at this point. So that’s a good sign that maybe we can prevent the severe depression.
My Memoir
I haven’t worked on my memoir for a while… pretty much since we decided to homeschool again. I have just been so much busier than I would have been if the boys had stayed in school. It’s totally worth it, it’s just the nature of homeschooling.
I found an amazing outline format/graphic organizer, so now I’m working on it again! I have spent several hours this morning working on it… finally!
Here are a few screen shots of it!
Basically, these are the different sections. The “story/time periods” part lasts for pages and pages, and I am only about half-way through.
Intimacy with Jesus
Spending time with Jesus through worship (singing), prayer, journaling, and His word is the thing that has changed my life the most. I just can’t get enough time with Him.
I have been listening to MBL (Met By Love) Worship non-stop. I think the kids are so tired of it. Haha. I also recently discovered that Steffany Gretzinger has a newish album, so I started listening to that as well!
I read God’s Word pretty much every day. Robert and I are doing a Daniel study through She Reads Truth and He Reads Truth. The studies are the same, they are just from the perspective of a woman with one and perspective of a man with the other.
I journal pretty much every day, and mostly prayers. I’m just surrendering to Him and His will and am so grateful for Him!
Nutrition and Movement
I’m still just trying to find my way with this. My current goal is to focus on real food no matter what the macros or calories look like. The quality of food is the most important thing for me. I have gone through my food and gotten rid of some processed foods. We still have some, but I want to try to be balanced. I’m not perfect with this because 1) we get free food in the dining hall, and 2) I’m not good at saying no to things that make me feel bad when we are out and about. But, I’m improving.
I still haven’t found consistency with movement again. I think part of it is because of struggling a bit with depression. When I’m depressed, I have little motivation to move. And honestly, that probably makes it worse. Movement (especially outside) helps a lot. I did re-join Street Parking because it helps to have those options, but I’ve only done 1 workout in two weeks since I re-joined.
My weight has been the same with-in 3 pounds or so. I guess I’ve learned how to maintain, which is totally fine. I’m at a healthy weight. I just need to get consistent with things that help my mental health! I know what those things are, but it’s hard to get started again and again. Consistency is SO hard for me. I’ll just keep putting one foot in front of the other!
I will say this again and again. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that healing isn’t linear. I will take steps forward and back. I’m also human and not a robot. Healing doesn’t mean I will never struggle. But I am on my way to less and less struggle with my mental health.
simplycourtney.org 