We recently started going to a new church. I never thought I would end up back in a Baptist church, but here we are. I have such a history with the Southern Baptist denomination, and it’s almost a little scary stepping back into one.
We loved our church before, but it was so hard to be consistent because it’s not our community. The church that we started going to recently is across the street from our school. The kids can just walk across to go to church/youth group every Wednesday. I felt connected the moment that I walked in. There are already people there who love us. The worship is Spirit-filled. The pastor preaches from God’s word, deeply. He spoke on Numbers chapter 12 on Sunday. He read and studied the whole scripture. It just feels very God-ordained (if that makes sense). I don’t know that I’ll ever agree 100% with the pastor, but he seems to truly love Jesus and love people. That’s all that matters, really. There are a few customs that are done that kind of make me cringe just from having grown up Baptist, but I can look past them. There will never be a church/pastor that we agree with totally, but it’s about worshiping Jesus and community/fellowship. Ethan was already going to the youth group most Wednesday nights (last year), so it just makes sense. Wednesday night stuff starts again on September 6th, and it involves dinner, worship, then splitting into age groups (babies to adults). I love that it can be a family thing, and the kids have friends from school that go there!
One of the songs that we sang is “Egypt” by Cory Asbury (Bethel).
Here are the lyrics:
I won’t forget, the wonder of how You brought
Deliverance, the exodus of my heart
‘Cause You found me, You freed me
Held back the waters for my release
O Yahweh
You’re the God who fights for me
Lord of every victory
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
You have torn apart the sea
You have led me through the deep
Hallelujah
Hallelujah, oh
The cloud by day, is a sign that You are with me
The fire by night, is the guiding light to my feet
‘Cause You found me, You freed me
Held back the waters for my release
O Yahweh
You’re the God who fights for me
Lord of every victory
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
You have torn apart the sea
You have led me through the deep
Hallelujah
Hallelujah, oh
You’re the God who fights for me
Lord of every victory
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
You have torn apart the sea
You have led me through the deep
Hallelujah
Hallelujah, oh
You stepped into my Egypt
And You took me by the hand
And You marched me out in freedom
Into the promised land
And now I will not forget You, no
I’ll sing of all You’ve done
Death is swallowed up forever
By the fury of Your love
‘Cause You stepped into my Egypt
And You took me by the hand
You marched me out in freedom
Into the promised land
Now I will not forget You, God
I’ll sing of all You’ve done
Death is swallowed up forever
By the fury of Your love
You’re the God who fights for me
Lord of every victory
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
You have torn apart the sea
You have led me through the deep
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
And You’re the God who fights for me
Lord of every victory
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
And You have torn apart the sea
You have led me through the deep
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
‘Cause You stepped into my Egypt
You took me by the hand
And You marched me out in freedom
Straight into the promised land
Now I will not forget You, no
I’ll sing of all You’ve done
Death is swallowed up forever
By the fury of Your love
Every time I worship at this church, God reminds me of His love, mercy, grace, provision, and goodness. He reminds me that I can always trust Him because even in the suffering, he brings peace. I think about how long the people of Israel had to suffer at the hands of the Egyptians, then they wandered the desert. It took a lot of years to finally come to the “promised land,” but they eventually did. God provided after suffering. I feel like that’s where I am right now. Obviously I haven’t suffered the way they did, but in my own way, it has been a crazy journey.
Ketamine Treatments
The Huberman Lab podcast did an episode on Ketamine Treatments.
I haven’t listened to this episode yet (his episodes are soooo long), but I thought I’d share.
As I’ve mentioned so many times, I have struggled deeply with my mental health for years and years. I haven’t been able to truly live life. I did this treatment this past school year, and while I didn’t realize it was working at the time, I see now that it changed everything for me. It was hard because I felt like the job that I was in was making it hard to truly heal. Once I resigned and started weaning off of most of my medications, I realized how much it changed things for me. I wouldn’t be where I am today without this treatment. I honestly couldn’t afford it now (maybe a treatment here or there if I need it), so I’m grateful that God provided for me to be able to do this. I was able to do this treatment because my parents paid for the first 6 treatments (and because I had a full time salary to keep doing the treatments). It also healed my mom’s severe ptsd from being home when my brother committed suicide and finding him.
This is the office that I used for my treatment: Phoenix Mental Health.
Dr. Johnston and Dr. Martinez are amazing people who are truly focused on life-change for people. They are so loving and caring.
They have other options for treatment as well, and I use the PA (Nick Estioko) for my med management now. He helped me come off of so many medications and properly diagnosed me. He also listens better than any psychiatrist I’ve ever used over the years.
I believe, also, that being able to be in a much better place helps me take better care of myself in general, which also helps my mental health.
I’m so grateful to Jesus for setting all of this up so that I could truly begin the healing process. I’m about to start EMDR as well to continue healing.
I wish I could explain the life-change that has happened. I’m a new person. Even my hard days are nothing compared to what I’ve experienced my whole life up until this year. ❤️
I feel like more healing is coming. I am at a point in which I’m happy, lighter, and truly enjoying life (which I never saw coming honestly). But. I know that I couldn’t handle going back to work or really having a crazy schedule at this point. I want to get to a place in which I can possibly go back to work full time one day. I still fear winters. I am working on that, though. I want this year to be one of full healing. It’s a slow process, but I trust that it will happen. I am not 100% sure that I will even struggle in the winters anymore after this treatment, but I just don’t know yet. I am hopeful, but treading lightly.
I have my first EMDR treatment today! I’m excited and nervous. We are not only going to address the death/trauma of my brother, but also some previous trauma that is still affecting me. Maybe one day I’ll be off medication entirely. We will see! I don’t have a problem with medication per se, but I have such a history with terrible side effects, so it would be nice! I’ve been on a lot of medications over the years; I assumed I would be on a lot forever. Nope! Praise Jesus for His provision.
Bible Study
I use a website called She Reads Truth for my daily/personal Bible study, and the one I read today was so timely.
I am studying Hebrews, and today’s study was on the end of chapter 6, and the first half of chapter 7: Inheriting the Promise.
She refers to some verses that I memorized years ago. I never felt like they were true because I suffered so much, but they are true. Just not in my way or my timing.
His promise of peace is allll over this. He tells us exactly how to get there, but I also feel like He provides it in many other ways as well.
I have bad days, but even on my worst day (the past few months), I’m in a totally different place.
“We are here for You. Come and do what You do.
Set our hearts on You. Come and do what You do.
Miracles happen when You move. Healing is coming in this room.”
“This is a Move” by Brandon Lake.
Food, Movement, etc
I’m still working this out. I struggle with leaning on processed/fast food a lot when I’m not at home, and even at home, I struggle a bit because it’s hard to avoid the kids’ snacks and sweet creations.
I’m trying so hard to learn balance with this. I feel like I’m getting there, but it’s a slow process as well. I try to focus on working out to feel good. I try to eat to feel good. But it’s easier said than done. I definitely had a piece of cake that Karis baked for breakfast. It’s okay. I’m trying to give myself grace. It was even dried out because it sat uncovered all night. But it was there. I know how I feel my best. I know what to do. It’s just hard to live that out in the real world.
I made a friend recently on Instagram, and I love what she posted recently:
“Imagine your best-possible-self. Spend some time imagining where you’d be, what you would be doing, who you’d be with, and how you would feel. Then, use that version of yourself as motivation for change. Love who you are while your pursue who you hope to be. Start acting like that person a little more every day. Work those habits into your daily routine. Stay disciplined because you’re motivated by the vision of your best-possible-self.
How?
1- Set a timer for 10 minutes and write down everything you can imagine about your best-possible-self
2-Write down specific goals that include exactly what you will do, when you will do it, and what you will give up in order to achieve it.
3-Make a list of daily tasks that you will complete every day. Find an accountability partner that you check in with daily and track your progress somewhere visible.
4-Prioritize your mindset. There are so many ways to do this. Guided meditation. Podcasts. Journals. Master classes.
Share this with someone with whom you want to be accountability partners and save it so that you can implement it in your daily routine.”
Her “why” is that her dad died at a young age because he didn’t take good care of himself. It was enough to push herself to do better.
My “why” is that I want to be mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy. Part of this is because I just want to feel good! Who doesn’t? Another part is so that I can serve Jesus by serving my family and community better. I know that I’ll “get there.” Shoot, some people would say that I “am there.” Maybe I need to look at it that way. I’m human. I’ll never get it “right” 100% of the time. Maybe I just need to accept where I am, and keep going!
simplycourtney.org 