Ethan took this pic of Robert and I Friday night. It had been a great evening with our summer staff, and I was feeling so great mentally and emotionally.
Yesterday was a whole other experience. I felt defeated from the moment that I woke up.
My anxiety was super high all day, and I felt deeply exhausted. I took a wonderful nap, but could have probably slept all afternoon.
I wrote this on Facebook last night:
I had a good cry with Robert tonight and realized that I have a lot going on in my brain and heart.
1) I’m truly sad that I won’t be homeschooling the boys. It doesn’t mean I think putting them in school is wrong, but I was so excited and have spent hours and hours on plans. I came across those plans today.
2) My whole life has turned upside down in about 9-10 days. Not turned upside down in a bad way, but it’s completely different than anything I imagined happening.
3) I’m not sure what my life will look like now. I imagine it will look like working out more consistently, being outside a lot, hanging out with friends, spending time with Jesus, rock climbing with Robert, doing some fun enrichment stuff with littles here at camp, going to Bible studies and worship times at camp, hanging out in Leakey a lot, etc. But I’m kind of afraid that I will get depressed without routine and having something specific/a purpose to focus on. I don’t want to assume that since I’ve been doing so much better, but I guess we will see.
4) Any time I have a day (or a few days) of anxiety, my brain tells me that I’m “back to my old ways” which is TERRIFYING. It then makes my anxiety worse. I just can’t go back there. I do have better coping mechanisms now, but I don’t always have control over it. I’m sure anyone would have anxiety if they were going through this drastic of a change all of a sudden.
5) Food affects my brain, and I haven’t been the most consistent the past several weeks/month. Then I feel guilty for eating foods that I know make me feel bad. It’s a vicious cycle. I also eat emotionally despite knowing how it makes me feel. Food has been a point of struggle for me for as long as I can remember. I also happened to watch a story today from someone prominent in the fitness world, and she basically food shamed in a rant which doesn’t help. Her point was that food is fuel and it doesn’t have to be special every day. But she makes it seem like it’s easy. It’s not for me. It’s not for a lot of people.
6) I am exhausted. Period.
I’m sorry to constantly copy/paste from social media lately, but I have found that my brain likes to process almost daily in that space. It has been so helpful for me.
My Heart Gets Caught in the Reeds
Taking Action
One of the biggest things that I’ve realized lately is that I have swayed pretty far from the actions that I had taken this summer to overcome and begin healing to start with.
I have had an amazing summer mental health wise, but I stopped doing the things that made me feel so great! Mostly at least.
I have gotten back to eating a lot of processed food, having a lot of caffeine, sodas, having all the dairy and gluten, fried foods, etc. I also haven’t been spending as much time outside. It’s so hot which is a huge reason, but I have also just been so busy and not making the time. I haven’t been drinking as much water. I haven’t been making connections with my community as much. I haven’t been spending as much time with Jesus. I haven’t been playing as much.
The biggest thing is that I have lost sight of my “why.”
My “why” is mental, emotional, and physical health. Period.
So, I’m going back to the things that I did that helped my mental health SO MUCH this summer:
- Time with Jesus every day
- Whole, unprocessed foods (with little dairy)
- Lots of water
- Very little caffeine (and only in tea- I have found that caffeine in tea affects the brain so differently than in coffee… even decaf coffee)
- Lots of outside time!
- Movement that I enjoy (I have been doing a Street Parking challenge and have lost sight of this a bit this week)
- Rest
- Community connection
- Family time
- Finding purpose (it will be new since everything has changed, but it’s there!)
- Playing: Jeep drives, jumping in the river, games, dancing, etc
- Counseling (I am ready to do EMDR now)
- Journaling
I’m so grateful for God’s grace and the reminder to have compassion for myself.
simplycourtney.org 