Acceptance

This year has been one of ups and downs with my mental health. Just when I think I’m managing well, the bottom falls out (sometimes for no real reason, sometimes for good reason). Some days I feel like I am managing well, and other days I’m barely surviving. Leaving the school where we were helped tremendously, but it didn’t take away my mental health struggles. The kids are doing better, and I’ve made several new friendships that I’m grateful for, but my anxiety has still been relentless. I would say that it’s because of this or that, but it’s mostly because I have generalized anxiety disorder and my brain is just in fight or flight mode most of the time. I also have PTSD and that is triggered easily. And I have seasons of depression. With the drive being an hour there and an hour back plus a long day in general, I’m not able to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, and physically like I need to in order to manage my mental health struggles. And this is during the spring which is usually my best season. I can’t even imagine what the fall/winter will be like. I know that I will likely quit again because it’s my pattern. My doctor is working with me on medication adjustments as needed, but medication isn’t everything. Management of life circumstances is also necessary.

I have considered the subbing thing, but after doing that for a short time, I realize that I’m not meant to do that. If I am in a classroom, I want to be the one planning and implementing my own lessons. Plus, I would mostly be in junior high and high school classes which is NOT for me. In addition, spending $20-25 to make sub pay just isn’t worth it. I’m spending a large percentage of what I’m making just to get there and back.

I decided to apply to teach online. I need a full time income and this seems like a good option. I would still work full time, but it would be a bit more flexible, I wouldn’t be driving 2 hours a day, and I would still get to do what I love and am passionate about from the comfort of my own home. One of the online public schools that I applied to teach for has a certain percentage of people that they hire with a disability (depression and anxiety are included on this list). They also offer accommodations which feels like the ideal scenario. The other schools look great too. I’m praying that this works out and that it is a great fit. God has something great already figured out; I just have to wait and see.

This has been a very hard decision to make. I have been praying and thinking about it all semester. I love the school and desperately want to be able to teach “normally,” but I can’t change my brain. It is wired the way it is, and I have to accept that. I have made sweet friends, and I hope those friendships continue despite not being on campus.

I have to say. One thing that has been helping me with this decision is the Next Right Thing podcast with Emily P. Freeman. It’s about discernment and decision making and just being told “just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you have to do it forever” has been refreshing. And, it’s okay to change your mind. And, how to walk out of a “room.” This podcast has been a companion as I’ve taken my long walks to my favorite spot. While I realize that teaching online is still teaching, it’s very different. The way I teach is very interactive, hands-on, lots of movement, experiential, etc which is a lot harder when doing it virtually. But it is what it is.

I look at this as a grief process. I grieve the ability to teach how I want to teach. I have had many times of denial, bargaining, anger, denial again and again (I keep trying!), and now I’m leaning towards acceptance. The acceptance will be off and on as it’s also a process. I will take steps forward and back. But I know it will keep me moving in the direction that I need to be moving. I’m sad but also hopeful.

We will see what happens moving forward!