Enough

I think I have come to a place of acceptance of my body (and life) just the way it is.

I eat when I’m hungry, take advantage of free food in the dining hall (the main meal that is made plus a salad bar!), make homemade foods, eat out WAY less (cause even just eating fast food with a family of 5 is $50-60 these days so we take meals with us to town), try to stop when I’m comfortably full (most of the time), eat satisfying foods (I eat what I’m wanting and what makes me comfortable), and move a lot more during the day (I’m just naturally doing more on my feet than when I was working in my office 8 hours a day). I have just kind of stayed at the same weight. I want to get back to more hiking because it’s good for my mental health, but I’m not at a place in which I’m constantly thinking about food and changing my body. Gosh. I used to log every bite. Weigh and measure my food. Focus on getting the “right amounts” of everything.

It’s actually soooo freeing to be where I am now. That whole “wild and free” way of living is coming out here. I’m trying to learn to just go with the flow and live life! I’m getting there in many areas of my life.

Deciding to not do Street Parking has actually been a huge part of this (in addition to other major life changes). Like I’ve said before. I am so grateful for friendships that I’ve made from the program. But my brain is no longer full of always trying to be “better.” I’m enough. Right here. Right now. And I’m doing what honors my mental and emotional health which is the most important thing. I just didn’t enjoy the workouts that I was doing and am excited to be leaning into what makes me happy. Hiking and being in nature. I’m slowly working into rock climbing and maybe kayaking.

Life is hard, but it is good. I’m working hard to be the person that I truly want to be. It wasn’t possible when I was working. My mind was so full and foggy all the time. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from being depressed and in survival mode 24/7. Like I’ve said before, I still have a lot of anxiety (and I’m working on that), but I’m happy and satisfied with life in general. My brain just cannot handle the pressures of a full time job.

I’m going to be doing a little bit of work for camp, but I enjoy it and it won’t take up a lot of mental space (or time). It’s all going to be part of the ministry that Robert leads- the wilderness program.

And I loovveee what we are doing with homeschooling. I am able to be ME as a teacher and focus on what my boys need. I’m confident in my teaching ability for once and am happy with where we are in that area.

I’m just learning to be content where I am. Even with my anxiety, I know that I am doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I haven’t felt that way in several years. I wish I had never started working full time again, but at the same time, I learned so much from those experiences so it wasn’t wasted.