I’m three treatments into my ketamine treatments and a few weeks into the school year.
I’m still finding my way around all of it, but I feel like some things are moving along in a positive direction.
I’m still taking things one second at a time.
Treatments
The first two treatments were just okay. After the first one I really felt zero difference and felt pretty defeated. I thought that I would feel relief immediately. The second one was a little better and brought a very subtle relief. Very subtle.
Yesterday I had my third treatment and it was nothing like the first two. They increased the dose and it was trippy. I don’t know how to explain it. Ketamine can have a dissociative affect, and I experienced that big time. I guess I felt it a bit with the first two, but this was very different.
The weird thing is, despite the dissociative affect, the guy who checked on me said I seemed lucid which is very different than what he has seen.
I realized a few things through that. 1) I try to control things when they feel out of control so my brain was trying to keep me lucid. I wasn’t actually lucid, but it appeared that way. 2) I think part of it also is that when I was in active addiction, I tried really hard to seem “normal” when I was drunk. I would drink/get drunk, then go do things around camp. Supposedly no one knew. Ketamine doesn’t make you feel drunk, but definitely takes you into a new place in your mind.
The doctor came in afterwards and told me that the feeling I had is normal for this treatment. It’s trying to separate your logical brain with your emotional brain. She said it works best if I just let it happen. I have another appointment Monday. I’m going to try really hard to just let go and let it happen.
I felt the after affects of it more this time.
My chest has felt so heavy and my breathing has been very shallow for a while. I have felt pretty bad physically. I have also had an anxiety cough and the breathing + cough has brought about so much burping which is uncomfortable. My breathing/heavy chest thing was much better today. I’m still coughing a bit and the burping is still happening (such a weird thing I know), but the breathing/heavy chest thing is the most uncomfortable of my physical symptoms so I’ll take it.
I have had some joyous moments today. I had my first pumpkin spice latte. I had a blast singing and dancing to 90s hip-hop music. I was just being silly. I felt light for a little while. I watched Gilmore Girls (which I’ve been doing a lot lately) while I worked, had lots of pumpkin goodies, and enjoyed a healthy dinner with my family. It rained for a while and we had a beautiful rainbow.
Maybe I’ll be the one to show how to let things go soon.
Work
My new job has been amazing and somewhat stressful. It has been hard to work because of my treatments. On top of the treatments, we were out of town at a camp staff retreat this week so I was working from a hotel room. We also have our reading testing coming up (testing 42 students), but it’ll go fast so I’m just trying to go with the flow. It’s just all happening at once. Also, I have jury duty Tuesday so I’m missing work for that. I just need to get through this coming week and I think I will be home free. Hopefully I don’t get selected for jury duty. I’m going to try to get a note from my doctor.
The things I love about my job: I can take it with me, I get to work from the comfort of home with my pumpkin candles and coffee, afternoons are chill and flexible, the kids are awesome and smart, the parents have been great so far, and this is something I can do even when I’m super anxious. It doesn’t affect my job performance, and I have lots of downtime every afternoon. There’s no sensory overload like in the classroom.
The hard things: things change daily (I’m having to learn to be flexible), there is often confusion about things because of the communication being somewhat rough (everything is online so I’m sure that contributes to it), I have to talk on the phone a lot (HATE talking on the phone), and I’m still learning how to do everything (use the softwares and websites, equipment, etc).
I think by my next post, I will feel like a new person. I cannot wait to share!
Simply Courtney 