Hope

In a few months, I’m going to be in a very different place.

New Experimental Treatment

About a month ago, my mom approached me saying that they would pay for ketamine treatment. I have been on the fence about it for a while. My mom knows first hand how life-changing it is and wants me to experience it as well, but it’s so new and I knew nothing about it until recently.

Over the past month or so I have been doing some research and really thinking it through. It’s a VERY different kind of treatment and is sort of experimental at this point, so I have been unsure. I also know that ketamine can be abused so I wondered about the addiction aspect. So I just sat with it.

Over the past month or so I have also started seeing how my mental illness has affected others, specifically my family. I haven’t been the mom and wife that I would like to be, that I NEED to be, and I want that to change. Desperately. My kids are “used to” me being up and down and often distant. Robert is honestly tired of me being unstable. Well he would never say that, but I can just tell that he’s weary. I also want to be able to keep my job long-term. I love it (more on that to follow). I haven’t kept a job more than a year and a half my whole career. I love teaching and I’m good at it, so I want this to be long-term.

I finally decided to call a clinic that was suggested to me. Yesterday I had a consultation with one of the psychiatrists there, and she answered all of my questions. I decided to make appointments for my treatments. My first one is September 2nd.

The main concern that I had about it being addictive was put at ease. She said it’s not technically an addictive drug. People do abuse it for its affects, but I have nothing to worry about because it actually HELPS with addiction. Anyone struggling with addiction is healed with this just like the mental illnesses. She said it will become more widely used for addiction soon, she’s sure. Just like my mom says, she also says it will take away my anxiety and depression almost right away. It’s a literal miracle drug. Hopefully it will be covered by insurance eventually. There is a nasal inhalant that is covered by insurance, but it’s not quite as effective.

Anyone that I’ve talked to that knows anything about this has said it is life-changing. It literally heals the brain. It works completely different than medication for that reason. It’s not just a mask. I will probably always be on medication, but hopefully I will be able to reduce meds. Also, the meds will work properly.

So I have hope, probably for the first time ever, that my mental health will improve drastically. Not just for a short time. But for good. It will require some treatments once in a while to keep up, but it’s on an as needed basis after the initial six treatments.

Here’s an overview:

I’m so excited about what’s to come. I will no longer have to fight daily against bipolar 2 (depression mostly), severe anxiety with obsessive compulsive traits, and ptsd. I will just be me. Simply Courtney.

And I am forever grateful to my parents for funding this treatment. I wouldn’t be able to do it without them. I know this is a sacrifice for them, and I’m so thankful.

New Forever Job

I have found it. The job that is perfect for me. And it literally fell in my lap.

A little background: I spent weeks praying about whether or not to pursue a job in the district where my kids go to school. It would have been guaranteed as I was a long-term sub and I knew the principal liked what I was doing. But I just felt so uneasy about it. The main issues I had were the hour-long drive, the terrible communication, and the fact that I had to cover my tattoos (it’s pretty miserable to have to cover both arms). The staff is amazing and overall it’s a very good school, but I just couldn’t feel at peace about working there long-term. So, I made the decision to lay down that opportunity. When I did that, I decided to apply to teach online. I applied for several positions at a few different online public schools and figured it would take a while to hear back. I did, however, pray that if it was going to happen, that it would happen fast. Robert was nervous about me not teaching full time and just laying down an opportunity.

Later that day I received an email from the principal of the K-2 online school in Texas (the only one!). She asked if I wanted to interview, and I interviewed two days later. The next day I had a job offer! The beautiful thing here is that there is actually a whole other part of the application that I got to bypass because she emailed me directly. Usually you have to do an online video lesson and submit that, etc. But she just hired me! Right away. This is HUGE answer to prayer.

For someone who didn’t really pray for a long time and who doubted prayer, this did big things to my faith.

Anyway.

I started last week and while all of the information has been like drinking from a firehose, I have been incredibly impressed with the administration and all of the faculty and staff. This is the best administration that I have worked for, hands down. They are incredibly professional. They care about teachers so much. They are incredibly organized, have a plan for everything, have QRGs (quick reference guides) for everything (a visual with step-by-step instructions), we have been walked through everything a million times which is good because there’s so much to learn. There are checklists with links for everything. They have “open office” hours every day for us to ask any questions that we have. I can talk with my assistant principal through the day on Microsoft Teams and she and I even had a video call for her to just check in with me on Friday. They had a whole session on boundaries for work-life balance. They expect us to stop working at 5 and to not work on the weekends. The beautiful thing is that we have time every afternoon to get work done so we don’t HAVE to work on the weekends.

Sitting all day has been an adjustment. The first week felt miserable physically as I wasn’t used to not being on my feet all day. I felt so distracted and my anxiety was high. My daily steps have decreased significantly so I have to be intentional to get out and take long walks. I don’t have time every day, but I try to make it happen when I can. I am able to take breaks and get up and stretch (I could fit in a quick Street Parking workout if I wanted, but I haven’t taken advantage of that yet… I should get on that), get a snack, talk to the kids a bit (at least for one more week because they start school on the 22nd), and take a deep breath. I can also take a walk in the afternoons sometimes if I need to, but it has been so hot. One day I took a nap (my brain was on overload, and I needed to). It’s a lot to learn and a lot of information, but it’s also so much more flexible.

It took a long time to receive my computer, but ever since I received it, everything has gone so much smoother. The one difficult thing is that I have been working on my personal computer that is old and freezes non-stop. I felt like I couldn’t get anything done. But since then, I have been knocking things off of my to do list.

We start school in a little over a week, and I cannot wait!

Relief and joy are in the horizon.