I realized yesterday that it’s amazing that my anxiety is STILL so much better, but my depression is sticking around. I’m exhausted all the time (could take multiple naps a day if I had time), not motivated to do the things that I enjoy (really can’t seem to make things happen), struggle with my responsibilities, struggle with happiness/joy, and I’m feeling a bit hopeless that I’ll ever feel well or for very long.
I have an appointment with my psychologist in a little while, and she will finish testing me (and she will have a diagnosis soon). Once I have this done, I’m going to make an appointment with a new psychiatrist that she has suggested. The last time I met with her she told me that she feels I am on WAY too much medication, and she wonders how I am sitting up straight. She told me that usually people are on one bipolar med and I’m on two (and one other that’s not technically not a bipolar med, but my doc has me on it for bipolar). I’m also on three medications for anxiety/depression. There’s a chance that the amount of medication that I’m on is actually making me less stable which is the opposite of the goal (obviously). I guess I’m a little hopeful since I’m doing this new thing (working with the psychologist and starting with a new psychiatrist soon), but it can’t happen fast enough. I’m so tired of feeling the way I feel.
On one hand, I’m nervous about starting a new job in a few weeks because I’m not where I want to be with my mental health. On the other hand, I have a feeling the new job will help my mental health because I will have routine, I will be working from home, it will be flexible, and I will be able to do what I love without the constant overstimulation. I just need to get there.
Speaking of, last week when I met with the psychologist for the first time we determined that my issue with teaching is the sensory aspect. It’s loud, a bit crazy, messy, unpredictable, etc. I get overstimulated easily which causes anxiety. So I think the online thing is actually the perfect fit for me. I won’t have to be just making it through the day and barely functioning after work.
Things are looking up with life if I could just get my mental health under control.