I have been slow to say this “out loud” because sometimes the struggles come back full force, but it has gone well so far.
I wrote this the other night:
The new medication that my doctor put me on has made my anxiety almost unbearable. I’ve decided to go back to square one and stop trying new medication (and stop asking her to take meds away). I’m trying to get back to where I was before trying all of these new meds (despite that time even being really hard because it was better than now). I have filled out all of the paperwork to start working with a counselor in person which will be better than online because she can do so much more (looking forward to EMDR). I’m also working hard with my coping mechanisms. I’m determined to be more stable very soon. I will keep fighting as I always do, and I know that I will feel joy again some day (hopefully soon). I have so many good things in my life!
If you don’t struggle with mental illness I’m so jealous. It has been my life for as long as I can remember and got 100x worse after Joey’s suicide.
A sweet new friend wrote this prayer in the comments:
My faith tells me that You know Courtney down to the hairs on her head. Your Word tells me that you knit her together, that You desire to pour Your great Love on her. It tells me that You desire for us to be free from all that so easily entangles and I know how much anxiety is one of those things. Lord she’s tired, it seems, she’s overwhelmed it seems and discouraged. Too it seems true she wants to be at peace and full of joy. These are ours because Christ died once and for all that the separation from You does not have to be. With His death, He gave us the gift of the being able to be filled with the Holy Spirit whose fruit IS love and joy and peace and patience and kindness and goodness and gentleness and faithfulness and self control.
Lord I pray she can feel all this fruit multiplying in her life. She has a heart and eyes and a mind that takes joy in the small things. How mighty that is to do when also one struggles with mental health. It is not Your will, I do not believe for her to be tossed about so as she is Lord. I pray You reveal more of Yourself, more of Your Spirit, to her each day that it shines in such a way that causes her mind to react “Look what the Lord has done!” I don’t know Joey, but someone I have cared for committed suicide and You were so gracious to help me understand You even more after it.
When I asked “Why Lord?!” In tears and heartbroken You whispered “He didn’t want to hurt anyone…He didn’t want to hurt anymore.” When I cried “did he ever get to know You?!” I felt a whisper of peace “He is with me.” And again when I asked “WHY???!” You gave me the word “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest….He didn’t know how else to come to me ____________. He was a perceived pariah. He didn’t feel comfortable in the church. In society, he came to me the only way he knew how”. Lord I ask You guard these words and let them speak the same way You intended them towards me. Not to advocate for suicide, but to see Your tender mercies, Your omnipotence, Your unfailing love. The Hebrew word for darkness in Genesis 1 means “chaos, calamity, confusion” or something to that very close degree Father and to overcome that You spoke “Let there be Light” Oh that that word does not mean the sun and stars and moon for You created those later…You first said let there be Light (“Merriment”) how wonderful it is Your brilliants words. Father, I know anxiety IS chaos and calamity and confusion and I’m asking You, Who is the same yesterday, today and forever, to speak Light over Courtney’s heart and mind Lord! May the Spirit lead her out of it and bear in her heart, her mind and her life the fullness of the fruit that was given to us at such a cost! Thank You for the gift of Christs sacrifice. Thank You for never leaving nor forsaking us, Thank You for making dry bones come to life and being the God who wills for us to be free.
May she be free Father! For Your Kingdoms glory, I ask, In Jesus’ Name Amen .”
I literally felt a weight lift with-in a couple of hours of reading this. I couldn’t sleep because I felt so free, and was just enjoying being able to breathe normally. Since then, I have felt a lot better. Not 100%, but much better. The biggest thing is that I keep having to remind my brain that I’m not breathing weird anymore. I got into a pattern/cycle that is hard to get out of.
Overall, I’m moving in the right direction, and I have felt some joy for the first time in quite a while. I’m so grateful.
God has taught me a lot about prayer the past few months. I have talked about this before, but my relationship with prayer has not been a great one over the past several years. I got to a point in which I felt there was no reason because I never saw anything change from it. Lately He has been telling me that if nothing else happens because of prayer, it is worth it because it grows me closer to Him. Then. Then! He has shown me that prayer DOES change things. He got me a new job with-in a few days of deciding to not pursue a position at the kids’ school (after praying specifically that it would happen fast). Then this. These are the two of the biggest things in my life right now.
I recognize that not everything I pray will happen because maybe not answering some prayers will save me from destruction. But I believe He gives me the desires of his heart which then gives me the desires of my heart (because my heart becomes like His).
“The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food in due season. You open Your hand; You satisfy the desire of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all His ways and kind in all His works. The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them.”
Psalm 145: 15-19