I Feel Kind of Hopeless

I realized today that for most of my adult life I have had one health issue after another and mostly mental health. I have the craziest physical symptoms that I can’t control. I had a cough for 4 years and it was from one of my psych meds and anxiety. This past year I have had a major heaviness/pressure on my collarbone and felt like someone was screaming in my ears at all times. And right now I’m struggling to get a good breath (I can breathe fine but it doesn’t feel like I can breathe well if that). This has happened a few other times and it lasted 3 full months and was miserable. So my mind is panicking at the moment and trying to figure out what is causing it. I CANNOT do this for months.

One change that I’m making to hopefully help: coming home a little more during the day instead of just sitting at the lodge and working on my computer between meals (I can do chores and spend time with my kids). I will still be able to get my work done but be home a little more. We are off tomorrow then have some fun things planned the next few days before a new group comes in. I hope all of this will be a reset.

I’m so incredibly worn from living with severe anxiety for so many years. Add to that depression and life has been hard. The past 13 years have been the hardest with mental health hospital stays and rehab in addition to constant counseling and psychiatrist visits. It’s miserable and debilitating. I haven’t been able to keep a job more than a year and a half at a time. I went 6 years without teaching because I thought I would never be able to teach again, but dammit I love it and am good at it. I tried again and it didn’t go well. I’m praying that my new online teaching job will be just what I need. I think it will be because I’m only live teaching like 2 1/2 hours per day plus any intervention that has to be done. The rest is office work. I will have a lot of structure and routine. I will be able to take good care of myself. I will have time to take care of myself but also still have something to do that makes money for my family.

But I’m not gonna lie. I’m so worried. With how I’m handling things right now, I’m not sure how things will go. I keep working with my doc and counselor and no one seems to know what to do anymore. I feel kind of hopeless. I have to work for multiple reasons, but I don’t know what is best anymore. I guess we will see how it goes.

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