I have been going through a lot with my faith for the past few years. A year ago I wrote about going through deconstruction of my faith, and I have slowly been building back up. But I’m going to be honest, prayer has been a hard thing for me. I can read scripture and believe its truth, but to pray in expectation has been something that I have struggled with.
Honestly, I think it is something that I have struggled with since my brother died. We prayed and prayed and prayed for his healing, and he ended up taking his own life. It feels like the prayers that we prayed returned void and were pointless. And also knowing that we can pray all day every day and God may choose not to answer the prayer makes me ask, what’s the point?
In the devotional today I read this scripture: “Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.” Psalm 5:1-3
One of the questions that followed: If praying hasn’t been consistent in your life lately, what about prayer has been difficult for you over the past few years?
I wrote about this above but here is my answer: I honestly feel like it’s pointless. It doesn’t seem to change anything. I don’t want to feel this way, but it’s my truth. I want to overcome this, but I don’t know how. I guess it starts with just doing it and seeing how it goes.
I know that the biggest reason for prayer is to build a more intimate relationship with Jesus. When I talk with Him, we grow closer. He brings peace and joy. I think if nothing else, it’s beneficial to look at prayer that way. I have felt that already this morning.