Being sick this week was a bit mentally/emotionally dark. I struggle during the fall anyway, and being stuck at home sick was really hard on me. I hated making life harder on my co-workers. I hated that my students missed me. I hated not being able to leave my house. I hated staring at my messy house and not having the energy to do something about it. I hated that I didn’t seem to be getting better despite lots of OTC medicine and rest.
The past few days I have been grateful for antibiotics. The Teladoc doctor called in a Zpack on Thursday, and by Friday I was starting to feel quite a bit better. I’m still not 100%, but I’m on my way. Yesterday I was able to do more than the day before. And I’m sure today I’ll be able to do even more. I won’t work out till probably Tuesday just to give my body a little more time to heal. It has been so hard to miss a full week of working out.
The one thing that I did a whole lot of this week was reflection. I wrote about it a bit on a previous post so I won’t repeat that, but I realized this week just how grateful I am for my life.
Five years ago, I hit rock bottom. I was miserable physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I had already been through a lot with my mental health the several years before that, but this was the worst. I was always drunk or hungover. I was depressed, severely anxious, isolated, and felt constant shame. I had used alcohol for about 6 years to cope with PTSD (from Joey’s suicide), grief, general life struggles, and my constant anxiety. My alcohol use accelerated quickly. I learned that it’s a progressive disease, which makes total sense to me now. In fact, I learned that if I pick it back up, I will be even worse than I was when I got sober in 2016.
The year following was pretty miserable as I learned to manage my mental health without a way to numb. I worked the twelve steps in AA which was a huge challenge. I was in intensive therapy. I worked with a new psychiatrist to get the right meds. My full time job was working on my healing. I wasn’t sure I would ever get through it. I assumed I would live there. I assumed I would never work again. I always wanted to teach, and I didn’t think I would ever be in a classroom again. But God. He knew that I needed that time to be who I am today.
Today I am grateful for generally good mental health. I have low moments and some anxiety, but I am able to work a full time job, workout regularly, eat decently, meal plan and prep, and spend time with my family.
I am working on slowing down so that I can also spend time with my camp family, keep a decently clean home, and have more time as a family. It’s important to me to simplify a bit. At least as much as we can. It won’t stay that way long term (there will be more extra curricular things), but taking a break will be nice. It really is best for all of us to have a season of rest.
I’m so grateful for what God has put in my life. My husband who is the most supportive man a wife could ever want. He has a servant’s heart, loves well, and is so understanding. My kids who all have amazing personalities and so much to offer the world. The camp where we live has been life-changing, and we have the best camp family. I hope to spend more time with them. I love our warm and comfy home and our car (the car of my dreams). Our needs are always met. We get to buy lots of wants as well. I have so many options to buy local foods which has been a dream of mine. I love our sweet pup, Loki, and our chickens. I enjoy having a garden (well, 3 raised beds). I’m grateful for the means to buy healthy food. I’m thankful for the ability to get some gym equipment for our new garage gym. I’m grateful that Robert has been working out with me. I’m grateful for modern medicine and the right medication for me (life-changing). I’m grateful for a teaching job where I get to have fun all day. I’m grateful that Robert is doing a job that he’s passionate about. I’m grateful for sunsets, coffee, fall scents, seasons changing, cooler weather, fun stickers, fun games, and all of the little things in this life.
My Father gives good gifts.