The Ups and Downs of Life

Life has been hard and crazy and beautiful and extremely busy and amazing all in one.

Teaching Pre-K Again

Teaching pre-k has been surprising, difficult, and wonderful. It’s everything I remember and nothing like I remember. It has been an interesting adjustment going from 3rd graders who can do a lot on their own to pre-k kiddos who can’t get their own shoes on after nap time and still struggle to walk in a line. I sometimes find my patience wearing thin as I remind them for the 100th time about something. But. I also love it so very much. I love how creative I am when I’m teaching pre-k. I love how cute my kids are. I love how they learn so much through play and have grown so much since the beginning of school. They are excited about everything. There are often tears, but the sheer joy that they experience daily is worth it all. I’m learning and growing as a teacher everyday. My boss told me that he thinks I found my niche with pre-k, and I agree. I remember feeling that way when I taught pre-k in 2012/2013. I made the mistake of getting a job at the elementary school (teaching 4th grade) after teaching at a private preschool, and it was the downfall for me. I was super content and confident, then I felt like a fish out of water. I’m confident in what I’m doing again. My brain is wired to teach littles and so much of my past experience and education is wrapped up in early childhood. It’s all coming back to me quickly. Some days are hard and I am often exhausted, but I know it will only continue getting better.

Sickness

I have been sick several times now, and I hate missing work. I know that pre-k kids need their routine and having a teacher out sick messes with that. But, I also can’t help it if I’m sick.

I’m extra careful with my germs these days because of Covid, plus if I’m sick, I cannot handle teaching littles because it takes all of my energy. I truly needed rest last week when I was sick. I’m still getting over it because I have a lingering cough, but overall I feel much better.

Dealing with Hard Emotions

When I’m sick, the hard things that I’m dealing with emotionally come out with a vengeance. I’ve been struggling with faith issues and the fall can be hard on me because of the loss that I experienced during that season. I lost my brother to suicide in 2009 then my grandpa died right after I spent days with him in the hospital in 2012. I also struggle with seasonal depression and it hits late fall (through the winter). But I’m always actively fighting hard and knowing that it’s coming helps to an extent. Meds have also changed my life.

My 5 year sobriety birthday is coming up in less than two weeks which brings a whole other layer of emotions with it. This journey started out really, really difficult. But I have fought hard to be who I am today and for that I’m proud.

I have been invited to join a project called Borderland Faith and with the help of the creator, I’m actually learning how to choose what I share online. There are layers to vulnerability and some things need to be saved for close friends while other things can be shared with more friends/acquaintances and some things can be shared freely. I have always been an over-sharer and I’m learning that that’s not always best. It has helped a lot of people, but it has also been hurtful to me in many ways.

The purpose of the project that I’ve been invited to is to work through the faith struggles that we have and sharing the journey with others. But I’m having to decide how much to share in that space as well. It goes out to a different audience than this blog.

My faith struggles include the creationist worldview; the idea that so many people have used the Bible to cause oppression, violence, and even death of others over the past thousands of years; how judgmental of others that many, many “Christians” are in the way that they decide if someone is worthy or not based on who they are; heaven and hell; what so many things actually mean in the Bible from what I’ve been taught my whole life; and so much more. These are the things that I’m wrestling with in my faith journey. I still love worshipping Jesus and know that He is big enough for my doubts and struggles. I’m struggling with Bible reading and study, but I’m sure that will come. This is a journey. It won’t be solved in a short time but might take years. I’m here for it, but it’s also a little bit debilitating at times.

My Health Journey

We have had a crazy several weeks and then I was sick. My weight is at a plateau because I’m not eating as well and I only worked out twice a week for a few weeks. I’ve been having trouble getting back into routine, but I am determined to make it happen. These times happen in life. It’s normal. So instead of losing steam and quitting, I will just keep working on it. Consistency is key. It’s the main thing that has allowed me to lose 17 pounds in 3 months. I’m still at that 17 pound loss which is really good, and I know I’ll get back to losing very soon. I still have a little bit that I want to lose.

I will say that I’m excited because I went up in weight with my dumbbells. I’m able to lift 20lb dumbbells for lots of movements now. This is huge. I didn’t see that coming for a while. This was even after 2 weeks of not working out much. I picked right back up on Monday and did a big workout with heavier dumbbells. It’s so fun feeling strong.

I’m hoping that my cholesterol numbers are going to look better when I do my labs next. With the movement and eating better (most of the time), I have a good feeling. We’ll see.

I’m still very exhausted all the time despite all of the work that I’ve been doing. I decided to finally bite the bullet and see my doctor about having a sleep study done. I am worried that there may be some sleep apnea happening or something. Most mornings I’m so sleepy that it’s hard to work till I’ve had lots of time awake. I often lay my head down on my desk and nap for a while at school. I drink Coke Zero because it helps keep me awake, and that’s not something I want to do. My sleep has been an issues for yeeaaarrrsss.

One day at a time.

Well this was my attempt at sharing a lot of things without sharing too much. I had a lot that I wanted to share about my past and my story but decided that some of it needed to be saved for a smaller group. I still shared a lot, but I’m okay with that I did share.