Always Learning and Growing

I am always learning a lot about myself. It never stops because I choose to keep digging deep. It’s who I am. Always and forever.

It is exhausting and sometimes brings anxiety because I’m in my head too much. I over-analyze everything.

The medication that my psychiatrist put me on for ADHD was a fail. It made me so exhausted that I could barely function, I had major dry mouth, and it didn’t even work. She can’t prescribe ADHD stimulants because she’s Telehealth only, so she suggested seeing my PCP.

Wednesday I had my yearly appointment with my PCP (a nurse practitioner), and I found out that she cannot prescribe stimulants either. It was a big surprise. For some reason I just didn’t even expect it. So basically if I want ADHD meds, I would have to get a new PCP or a new psychiatrist. I called a psychiatrist that I found online, and I found out that they won’t see me because I’ve been inpatient in the past (2014 and 2016). That seems so so odd to me. She’s a psychiatrist!

I was in tears as I took stuff off the walls of my classroom. I felt so stuck.

I went to AA that night, and it was just what I needed. I realized in that moment that I was trying to control something that wasn’t mine to control. God was closing doors continuously.

I decided to make an appointment with my psychiatrist for the next day, and I’m so glad that I did.

My doctor compared my brain to having lots of windows open on a computer. She reminded me that I’m doing well, we just need to work on closing some of those windows. She highly encouraged a break from work. So that’s what I’m doing (I had already planned to). She also said that most likely I’m not annoying people as much as I think. It’s because my brain is always spinning that I think that. I told her that I annoy myself so I assume that I annoy others as well. She said there’s nothing wrong with emailing my boss to ask questions (which is something that I’ve been struggling with). She is increasing one of my medications a bit to see if we can calm my brain a little more. I think a combo of taking a break, and a small change in medication will help. This is a constant battle, so we will see what happens!

We also discussed that my hyperfocus and impulsivity is most likely from my generalized anxiety disorder and/or bipolar 2. So we are going to focus more on those. I realized that I was trying to take a stimulant which I know I shouldn’t take because it’s a controlled substance/addictive. That’s why God was closing the doors left and right. I’m grateful that God takes care of me.

I didn’t work at all yesterday. It was refreshing. I worked in my yard, played games with the kids, and went on a date night with Robert (who was off for the first time in over a month). He bought me a small shed that we put together last night and loaded with my gardening and chicken supplies into it. I needed yesterday. Again, God knows what I need.

My plans for the next 5 days are:

• Put diatomaceous earth on the garden bed that is doing decently well.
• Dig up the plants that didn’t make it because of bugs.
• Make a plan for my fall garden.
• Buy soil (if I go to town) and add to beds.
• Plant pumpkins.
• Bake things.
• Make healthy lunches and dinners.
• Clean out office closet.
• Read my Dear White Peacemakers book (try to finish).
• Hike with Loki at least twice.

Next Wednesday, the kids and I are going to stay at my parents’ to take care of their plants and animals while they take a short trip. I plan to get my G/T trainings done while I’m there. There will be plenty of downtime. I thought I had already completed them, but I realized I hadn’t so I signed up for all of them! They are requirements.

I will also play lots of games with my kids, work with Ethan on reading intervention, and make sure that they do their little bit of school work each day in addition to their chores.

I wish we all loved to go to the river because it’s just down the hill, but most of us don’t. I mostly don’t love it because it’s freezing. And I’m just not that much into swimming. Levi hates swimming unless it’s in a pool. Everyone tells me to “stop working and go jump in the river,” but I don’t wanna. Haha.

So, I’ll do what I do best. Clean/organize, work on my homestead, bake and cook, hike, and play games!