Difficult Week

I have been super unsure of what to write, where to start, or even how to navigate this week. It’s Sunday, but feels like it has been weeks.

Last week was hard in a lot of ways (just super busy with all of the pre-Thanksgiving festivities at school, some trainings, etc). Friday the 13th, I posted on social media about how I am doing exactly what I’ve been created to do, and I am right where I want to be. I went to Kerrville to take our pup to the vet after school (which, they don’t let people in), Karis and I picked up a grocery order, and we went to Pint and Plow for dinner (we sat outside with our pup).

That night was rough because our other dog was jumping on our door all night. He has been trying to get a raccoon that has been outside in our yard (trying to get our chickens). That night was especially rough. I woke up with a bad headache and of course my cough was pretty bad, but it is always up and down. I rested for the afternoon, then I got up and started cleaning and working on things in the kitchen. I felt better after some rest. I had tried to cancel having my Walkabout mentee over, but I guess she wasn’t told so she came over anyway. Since I was feeling better, I let her in and we had fun eating and playing games and listening to Christmas music. She told me that she loves listening to it early every year and that there was a debate between the Walkabouts about listening to Christmas music/decorating before Thanksgiving.

I got a decent night of sleep that night. We decided to do church at home and God spoke to me so clearly.

I still had a headache, but I assumed I was just having allergies/sinus stuff. My cough is always there so it’s hard to navigate that.

We decided to go to San Antonio to return something to REI and pick up the last few things we needed for our trip to Arizona. We went to an amazing restaurant and Trader Joe’s. I had sinus issues, but again, just thought it was allergies! I wore my mask everywhere we went and was super great about social distancing.

And gosh you guys, we found out while we were out that a beloved summer staffer and facilitator that used to work here passed away. It has still been super hard to navigate as we have watched his sister lose her best friend (who happened to be in my small group one summer). I felt deep feelings since I lost my brother (and the anniversary of his death is coming in less than two weeks). It has been hard to manage emotionally. I watched as they wheeled his body to the ER to give his organs to others that they might live. It was a walk of honor. I could hear his sweet sister weep. It’s so hard to understand why these things happen.

That night I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned, my cough was worse, my sinus issues felt worse, and I started feeling achy. Monday morning I felt even worse. Like, I wanted to journal and couldn’t. I stayed home from school. I could barely figure out how to get things squared away for my students.

After a morning of feeling terrible (and some encouragement from family and friends), I decided to call my doc who then told me to call the Covid hotline. They told me to go get tested so Robert took me to town that afternoon to get tested. We had to actually go pick up Karis and Levi first, then they had to go with us. I tested positive quickly.

The guilt that one already feels when they test positive and exposing people was magnified with the knowledge that I passed it to someone else who has it now and others are having to quarantine because of that. This disease is very exhausting, guilt-ridden, and isolating. In all the ways. I feel like a leper. I feel like all I’ve done is cause a problem. It has been hard on my emotionally.

My anxiety has been high, and my oxygen levels dipped a lot on Wednesday which doesn’t help. I called my pulmonologist and he told me that if my levels dip below 90 that I need to call them or go into the ER. They were at 91 several times Wednesday. So far they have been okay the past two days.

I’m super grateful that the parents that I have talked with the past few days have been super understanding and supportive. One parent has sent me scripture many times, and is praying for me unprovoked. Others have reminded me that it’s not my fault and that we just take it one day at a time. I’m sure there are some that aren’t happy with me, but I have no control over that. It’s still hard. I’m thankful that, as of now, none of my students have it!

The anniversary of Joey’s death is very soon, today is the anniversary of my grandpa’s death, we don’t get to go on our trip to Arizona that we have been planning for, and we don’t even get to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. And I’m stuck being mostly alone. It’s pretty miserable. I’m trying to be positive, but it’s hard! Look at this pic of Joey and Robert. He was so handsome. And my grandpa was always playing guitar!

I don’t have energy to do much. My cough is so bad most of the time (worse than normal). I have even wanted to journal (I have done some), but it takes a lot of mental/emotional energy that I don’t have much of. I’ve slept a lot, watched a lot. I have eaten whatever my husband brings me. Oh, by the way. He has been so so amazing. I’m blown away by him! And the friends and family who have been checking on me constantly and picking stuff up for us.

Look at this food that Robert has made. I struggle to taste the full flavor, but it fills up my belly well. Of course, that granola is mine! The smoked salmon is from Trader Joe’s. It’s so good. The pic of the sausage has pasta that is locally made- rosemary lemon pepper.

I’m taking a lot of supplements including the colloidal silver that my friend sells (Heal Country), Green Pasture fermented cod liver oil, Vitamin C, Vitamin D3, and Raw Zinc.

I’m trying so so hard to look to the future and remember that this isn’t forever. I will start to feel better eventually, and we can celebrate Christmas with family (hopefully!). There isn’t a whole lot of school left before Christmas after this. I have struggled to see the light through the fog. But I have to hope. Otherwise, I would be stuck in this depression that I’m going through. I look forward to seeing my students again, to having the energy to lesson plan (hopefully soon), to clean the house, to play games with my family, to cook/bake, to have a meal on our table, to take a walk, and to spend time with friends. It’ll come. I hope. I have to hope.

This is a thankful list that I started the day before I got tested and found out that I’m positive.

I have struggled with the fact that teaching has made everything so much more complicated. Would this be happening if I never went back to work? I have dreams that I homeschool again. Sometimes I miss the simplicity. But y’all. I KNOW God dropped the job in my lap, so I just have to lean on that.

I wrote this on November 13. Friday the 13th.

“What a weird, hard, amazing, difficult, strange year. New dog. COVID. Quarantine and lock down. Chickens. Trip to the Gila NF. COVID. More COVID. Started teaching out of nowhere because God laid the job in my lap. I am obsessed with my job. God knew it was time. I was in complete shock that this all happened. Covid has made teaching hard. These kiddos weren’t in school for 6 months so it has been hard for them. But y’all. I love my kids so much and I feel God created this position just for me. I have a lot to learn, but I’m here for it.”

And now Covid has hit us in a different, more difficult way. I’m just hoping that it stops here (well, I did pass it to a Walkabout and I feel terrible about that, but hopefully it stops there). But I have to believe in the darkness what God told me in the light. He has big plans. I will probably never understand, but I have to trust Him. He has done so much in my life.

Thankful for an ugly Christmas tree in my bedroom, hearing an old worship song in my dream and waking up to listen to it and praise Jesus, my pups by my side, sleeping till noon, porch sitting (when I can), watching fun stuff for hours (first A Million Little Things, then Schitt’s Creek), talking with friends and family (way more than usual- I love it!), and doing my best to rest, rest, rest. Any time I feel up to doing a little more, I get worn out fast! Today I made my bed, took a long shower, and put on my Elf shirt. I had to lay back down. But it was something. I think this would be considered day 8, but I lose track. This virus is real and no joke. Take it more seriously than I did before this all started.

God always shows up. Sometimes it’s subtle. Sometimes it’s in your face. I feel like he’s done it both ways this week. I will never forget hearing “So High” in my dreams, waking up singing it, and finding it on Spotify. It was such a reminder of who He is. He is beyond anything we can imagine. He is so high. The most high.

“Way-maker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness! My God, that is who You are!”