“Ah ha”

I decided tonight that I was tired of struggling.  I decided that I needed to make a big change, but I wasn’t sure what that would be!  I need purpose for my days again.  I’m tired of sleeping my days away.  All of the sleeping during the day and not sleeping at night has affected my anxiety and depression.  My body is in a really bad habit.

One of the things that my former psychiatrist told me was that sleep routine is so important for my mental health. It’s necessary to go to bed at the same time every night, wake up at the same time, and to not take naps (or in my case, go back to sleep). My current sleep is nothing like this, and I really think it has affected every area of my life. It’s what makes me constantly drink caffeine, eat lots of sugar and carbs, and makes me feel depressed. I have no routine with how I take care of myself either. I roll out of bed at the last minute for everything. I rarely wear makeup or fix my hair despite how it makes me feel (really good).

I decided that one change I need to make (and it’s a BIG one) is to not allow myself to go back to bed. I haven’t had ONE day in a long time that I didn’t go back to bed. That’s not normal and it’s not healthy. I think my biggest problem at the moment is that my body is in a bad habit. It doesn’t KNOW how to be awake all day anymore. So I need to force it!

I think I have a fear of being sleepy.  I also have a fear of not knowing what to do with myself when I AM sleepy!  I don’t have much in my schedule that I have to do, so I find that going back to bed is the only thing I know to do.

Along those lines…

A friend of mine wrote me this tonight: “I’ve noticed a pattern with you that you think and plan and easily talk yourself out of doing things, when it’s time to go. I do the same thing, that’s why I noticed. Sometimes, it helps me to think about future me. Like…I am so tired, I want to sleep all day. But, I know if I get outside, go for a hike or do some yoga, I’ll FEEL better later. It’s a huge mind game, and it sucks. I REALLY have to push myself out the door sometimes. But, I’m always, always glad I did (later). It’s like mothering yourself. Sometimes I have to make the kids do stuff, or go outside. And then they are happier, feel better, etc. You know?”

And another friend told me this: “I found lately you have also spoken a lot about letting little bumps become roadblocks (which i hadn’t seen from you before). Sleeping is a big cycle. You can totally make this improvement in your life. You have a huge support system who are cheering you on!! (myself included)”

I told my friend and neighbor that I need to start following through with what I have planned.  By not following through, it is increasing my anxiety and depression.

So I’m hoping that these two big changes will make a big impact in my life.

I still don’t know what my purpose(s) are, but I know that I have to get this in control first, then I can maybe do more.

So my plan this week:

Monday- Taking kids to the doc and dentist, park, store, home, dinner, Bible study (at 8:30)

Tuesday- Yoga with friends, daily chores, study physiology in childbirth, blog (Grati-Tuesday)

Wednesday- Daily chores, gym, library/blog (or study), picnic dinner, church

Thursday- Yoga, daily chores, study physiology in childbirth, blog (meal plan)

Friday- Town Day!  PAX coffee shop to study, groceries, home, movie night with the kids, blog (Grocery Geek)

Saturday- Hike with the kids and house cleaning

Sunday- Church and food prep

OH.  And another BIG thing is that I really miss wearing makeup!  It makes me feel more awake and physically more put together.  I know that’s something big that I can do each day to stay awake: Shower, dry my hair, and put on makeup… even if I’m not going anywhere… like I did when I was selling Younique.  I don’t want to sell makeup, but I can definitely still wear it and enjoy it!

I put some on tonight and I went from feeling down to feeling like I could think and process!