Yesterday was really, really hard. I had my disability hearing and it was brutal. I had to focus in on what life is like on my really hard days as if that’s my whole life and I have nothing to offer the world. The weight of my illnesses was very heavy. It brought on a lot of anxiety, and I came home and had a panic attack. It’s been a while since I’ve had one. In my normal daily routine I’ve been okay lately. Better than I’ve been in a long time. But as soon as you get me focusing on all the hard and bad, I struggle very badly again. It was miserable.
I wrote this in one of my favorite groups (I don’t know if I have words today):
“Hey friends. After doing really well for a while (end of January), I had my disability hearing today and had severe anxiety and a panic attack this evening. It was so hard to focus in on my bad days, weeks, and months. I don’t want a label, but I know I can’t work full time and we really need for me to get paid. Now I have to wait an average of another 2-4 months. I’m worn by the whole thing and am feeling defeated. Part of me just wants to move on as if none of this ever happened and part of me wants it to work out. I’m worried that I’ll give up on being a better me if I am labeled as disabled. I am feeling all the feels today. I talked with one of my best friends tonight and she reminded me why I deserve this and I really can’t work full time. I truly am disabled, we just need the court to recognize it. I hate the system and this process. My attorney had me focus in on my bad days as if they are my every days.”
A mama in the group wrote this:
“I hate hate hate disability hearings for this exact reason. I had to go through this with one of my good friends who has cerebral palsy. The woman who denied her disability said that it wasn’t present enough days in her life to affect her ability to work. You know, all those days she woke woke up without CP? Ridiculous.
Anyway the hearing was awful and left her feeling so defeated because we had to focus on on all the things she couldn’t do. But she’s SO capable!!!! We couldn’t talk about any of that though.
After the hearing I sat down with her and told her I hated that and reminded her of what her best days look like.
I don’t know you personally. But I’ve seen enough of you on here to know that on your best days you’re pretty amazing!!! Look at all of you’ve accomplished in your house lately. You are SO organized. When you post your meal planning and thing you’ve decorated I drool with envy!
You’ve started AA! I know your group is small but if you keep one person from drinking think of the ripples in that person’s life and how many lives you’re impacting!
I know you aren’t working, but I also have some idea of how much you do just living where you live. How many lives you touch around you and how interconnected it all is. You also support your husband as he works for the Lord. Think of the people the 2 of you are touching!
You’re amazing and none of what you had to focus on at this hearing even remotely defines you 
“
I heard this song on the way home and I listened to it over and over again. I have heard it many times (I have the album in my favorites), but I didn’t really pay attention to the meaning of it until yesterday. It’s amazing. Music is huge in my life. I love to worship God on my good days and hard days. It’s how I get through.
“Come Alive (Dry Bones)”
There’s so much we have lost
As we look down the road
Where all the prodigals have walked
One by one
The enemy has whispered lies
And led them off as slavesBut we know that you are God
Yours is the victory
We know there is more to come
That we may not yet see
So with the faith you’ve given us
We’ll step into the valley unafraid, yeahAs we call out to dry bones
Come alive, come alive
We call out to dead hearts
Come alive, come alive
Up out of the ashes
Let us see an army rise
We call out to dry bones, come alive
God of endless mercy
God of unrelenting love
Rescue every daughter
Bring us back the wayward son
And By your spirit breathe upon them
Show the world that you alone can save
You alone can save
As we call out to dry bones
Come alive, come alive
We call out to dead hearts
Come alive, come alive
Up out of the ashes
Let us see an army rise
We call out to dry bones come alive
So breathe, oh breath of God
Now breathe, oh breath of God
Breathe, oh breath of God
Now breathe
Breathe, oh breath of God
Now breathe, oh breath of God
Breathe, oh breath of God, now breathe
As we call out to dry bones
Come alive, come alive
We call out to dead hearts
Come alive, come alive
Up out of the ashes
Let us see an army rise
We call out to dry bones come alive, yeah
We call out to dry bones, come alive
Oh come alive”
I’m thankful for friends and even just acquaintances that speak truth to me in Christ and remind me that I am more than my illnesses and my past. I can use what I go through and what I’ve been through to glorify Him.
I know I have shared this video before, but the lyrics are really resonating with me today.
“Take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul. He’s in the waiting. He’s in the waiting. Hold on to your hope as your triumph unfolds. He’s never failing. He’s never failing.”
As I wait, I’ll know that He is in control and He has a plan. It may not be for me to get disability. Maybe His plan is for me to feel good enough to work 1-2 hours a day with Younique and make just enough to pay for everything that we need to pay for (I don’t need a ton more, mainly just need help with some medical costs). Maybe he will teach me to be more frugal so that we have the money that we need.
Okay… I have more on my mind, but I can’t think straight because I haven’t slept much in several days. I need to go back to bed for a little while.
Thanks for reading my scattered thoughts.
Simply Courtney 
Big, big hugs. Disability struggles are so hard. My dad went through it all, too. ❤