Anxiety.  Story of my life.

I have been struggling with this a lot lately.  I will feel great, then something will set the anxiety off and I can barely function.  Getting out the house is hard.  Being around a lot of people makes it worse.  My brain gets foggy, my stomach gets sick, my cheeks get flushed, my heart beats hard and deep; I feel light-headed. I can’t think straight.  I’m irritable.  I’m hyper-focused on one thing, and I obsess about what people think of me.  I obsess about a lot of things, actually.  Money, curriculum, my weight that keeps going up (despite the fact that my dietitian tells me I’m not eating enough), etc.  I am compulsive.  I make quick decisions only to regret it (which causes me more anxiety).  The worst area is my spending.  I really think it’s a bad coping mechanism that I have.

The anxiety seems to be getting worse every day.  Yesterday was Robert’s birthday.  I had all of these grand plans and he ended up tucking me in early last night because I couldn’t function.  I was proud of myself for making him a homemade cake despite my anxiety, but that’s about all I had in me.

This morning I woke up and felt “hungover.”  Don’t worry, I’m still sober (196 days to be exact), but it was from the anxiety.  I ended up going back to bed and slept 4 hours (right through my appointment with my dietitian, whoops).

I’m still anxious.

I called my doc’s office this morning and talked with someone in the office.  She sent over a lengthy message to my doctor about what’s been going on with a reminder that I live over 2 hours from them.  She said they will call me sometime today and let me know what they can do about it (or if I need to go back in).

I *think* it’s because of my med change.  I used to take a medication called Latuda.  I had to stop taking it because it’s $1000 a month, and I was denied for patient assistance.  She switched me to one called Geodon, and I really think that’s what’s causing me anxiety.  It’s so hard to say.  I just know that’s when the bad anxiety started.

Mental illness SUCKS.  And drug companies that charge $1000 a month for meds infuriate me.  It affects my quality of life.  I know it affects others so much as well.

I’m about to leave for choir. It’ll probably help me to get out of the house and be involved in something.  Here’s to hoping!