Struggling

I wrote a blog post yesterday, then decided to delete it because I don’t really know how I feel about a lot of things right now.  So I’m sort of starting over with this one, and including a little bit of what was in the one that I deleted.

Life is incredibly hard in general, and even more difficult with a brain like mine.  Bipolar 2, severe anxiety (general, panic, social, and obsessive/compulsive), chronic insomnia (and I haven’t been sleeping well lately despite the fact that I’m taking medication and melatonin for it), and alcohol use disorder.  Still reflecting on my brother’s traumatic/gruesome suicide and extreme bullying as a child, often.

Last night I told Robert that I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up for a while.  My brain needs rest.  It goes and goes and goes… obsessing, being anxious, thinking about alcohol, being depressed, thinking about my brother.  It never stops.

I’ve been struggling greatly with cravings… wanting alcohol.  I had a ton of anxiety while in town yesterday because I was fighting the urge to buy alcohol.  Once I was past all of the places I could buy alcohol, I felt somewhat better about the obsession with alcohol.

I have also been obsessing with body positivity… listening to multiple podcasts a day, reading about it, being in groups.  Struggling with where to land with “food freedom.”  Not knowing what to eat.  Struggling with the idea of exercise because I know that I’ll be doing it hoping I’ll lose weight.  And wondering if that’s really a bad thing?  But I don’t want to obsess about losing weight again.  I’ve been gaining steadily since I gained 6-8 pounds at La Ha, and it just hasn’t stopped (well, I don’t have a scale anymore… I only know because of how my clothes fit).  It’s just a terrible cycle that I’m in.

I tried to be positive yesterday.  I got showered, dried my hair, and put makeup on.  Took a few selfies.  I love my new shirt (that I bought from a friend) with elephants on it and lots of color.  I tried.

I chaired the women’s 12 steps & 12 traditions meeting yesterday (I’m chairing the month of January, and I think I do a pretty good job).

I got my 3 month chip.

I met with my sponsor and had a ton of anxiety as we talked about my character defects.  I am having a hard time with a few of them… determining what is a defect and what is a just a character trait.  And struggling with the idea of grace vs trying to change.  Also struggling with the idea that some of it is caused by mental illness that I don’t have much control over at the moment.

So.  Much.  Work.  AA.  Mental illness.  Life.  Perfectionism.  Let alone even trying to be a good wife, mom, friend, and daughter (not doing this well).

I’ve decided to stop seeing my counselor and go to a new one that my case manager at La Ha referred me to.  She does EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).  I think it’ll help because a lot of my issues right now stem from extreme bullying as a child, other abuse (not by family), and the trauma of my brother’s suicide.  EMDR helps with trauma and I think it’ll help with my obsessive/compulsive tendencies as they are just getting worse as I get older.

I’m also seeing a new doctor (because of new insurance) that is hopeful she can help me overcome.  We’re taking it one thing at a time… starting with no more birth control (I take it for hormonal issues, but apparently it’s not worth it).  Supposedly it affects the metabolizing of my Lamictal (for bipolar).  So I’m taking 400mg (max dose) and it’s only metabolizing at like 200mg.  Big difference!  I’m not sure what else she plans to do… but I’m thankful we’re taking it one thing at a time!

I’m taking a day off today.  No daily docket.  No household notebook.  No cleaning.  No laundry.  No daily/weekly chore.  Just taking it easy.  I have a few blogs I want to write. I will spend time reading She Reads Truth (Bible study) and praying.   I want to journal.  I want to come up with a grocery list because even though that’s a “chore,” I enjoy it.  I’m grocery shopping tomorrow (one of my favorite things to do… oddly).  I may take a nap.  I’m going to eat whatever I want and drink lots of coffee.  Just lots of self care.  Things that bring me joy.