A Lot of Work

I woke up this morning after having a panic attack in a dream (and not sleeping much).  I felt physically like I had just had one in real life.  I guess they’re all the same… whether in a dream or real life.

It’s been a hard road… a real rough journey.  Some days I feel okay, but the anxiety never really leaves me. And the feeling that it’s something that I need to do or am doing never leaves me either.  I also feel like I am constantly affecting my family.  I hate it.  Hate it more than anyone will ever know.  I’m tired of it always weighing me down, and I’m tired of not being able to live a normal life because of it.

I realized yesterday that I haven’t been stable for a long, long time.  I have been so unreliable over the years. And it’s been because of being sick.

There have been times that I thought I was “better,” but it was just a high moment.  I haven’t been stable for more than a month at a time since I can remember.  That’s why I have started jobs, only to have to leave… so many times.  I keep thinking I’m “better,” then it hits hard and I can’t function.

I think this time I’m realizing that I have a lot of work ahead of me still.

The amount of anxiety that I deal with isn’t from just one thing, it’s from a combination of things.  And until I figure out what that combination is, I will probably not be stable.

I’m so thankful for a supportive husband, but he’s feeling the weight too.  And my kids feel it.  Levi was crying a bunch this morning, and I realized it was every time I walked out of the room.  You see, I’ve been so focused on getting better that sometimes my kids don’t get the affection that they need.  I gave him a big hug and kiss and it helped him.  He just needed my affection (something that I don’t give out very easily these days).

I won’t be able to work a regular job until I can get stable.  This is hard for me.  I keep trying to find a job only to realize that God isn’t opening those doors.  I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself through the days (I’m not used to being alone so much), but God is allowing me so much time to work on myself, so I need to be doing that.  I have a lot of options for doing this, but I often push the work away because it’s so hard.

A few things that I need to do… finish my Celebrate Recovery homework for the week (especially my letter to God that is due on Saturday), and write a letter to Joey (not looking forward to this).

Until next time…

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